Wednesday, January 31, 2007

TV, fears and guacamole

A quote for today:

The great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. - From "Taxi"

I was thinking about things this morning after getting a disturbing email from an old friend that I recently reconnected with who lost her baby probably about a year ago. This came just a short 10 hours after I was feeling this fear/sadness thing about the thought of anything ever happening to my child. The thought enters my mind more often than I like, I have this (probably irrational) fear of something happening to my daughter...worse than the inevitable broken heart, disappointment and other "life" crap. I actually started to cry, maybe it was because I was up too late, my husband was working until 12pm and Emma was sleeping, I was up watching Real Housewives of Orange County (a guilty pleasure of mine), waiting to watch the latest episode of Top Chef so I'm up to date for the finale tonight and I was looking around at the various pictures of Emma, Trevor as a baby, the three of us, our five generation pic with me, Emma, my mom, grandma and great just suddenly came over me. Just these tears and feeling like I couldn't survive without my daughter. Does this make me pathetic, unrealistic, irrational? I dried the tears in just a couple of minutes and settled in to watch my silly shows...yes I'm also an American Idol watcher...don't laugh. SO, my evening had been filled with TV, guacamole, excellent turkey burgers that mom made. Maybe it was spending the last few hours with her and Emma that did it, seeing Emma in her little apron cooking with my mom in her apron. Mom just told me yesterday she was updating her will, she knows how much I hate thinking about that but wanted to tell me, she's leaving her apron and Kitchenaid mixer to Em as memories of their baking together. So sweet, I can see Emma someday baking with her own daughter and granddaughter, but have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that fear. I think it also has to do with the state of our world. I don't even watch the news much anymore, it's depressing, scary...between global warming, Iraq, paedophiles and other crazies it's all too much! I think being forced into watching the news last night at mom's made it all come to a head. Seeing the story of the parents that locked their daughter in her room for 2 years and the parents who burned their child with a hot metal spoon they had in the oven. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Who could hurt a child? It makes me so sad for people that go through such things. I just want to protect my daughter from all possible harm I can and I know that I can only do so much.

Anyone else go through these kinds of thoughts from time to time? I'm not saying it consumes me all day, every day, not even weekly...but it's there.


Melissa said...

I can't watch the news anymore for the reasons you listed. I read the paper so it's not as horrifying for me and I stay informed. Why must people be such assfarms?

That is so sweet that your mom is leaving Emma her mixer and apron. It'll be like a little legacy for her. I told my mom all I want after she's gone are the paintings my great-grandma did. Adam can have the money, I'll take the memories. ;)

I think every mom has those "What if something bad happens?" moments. I have them and so does every other mom that I know. I think it's normal for mothers to worry about their kids like that. Not pleasant, but normal. And according to my mom, it never goes away. Even when your babies are thirty-two and twenty-seven. ;)

Anonymous said...


I not only understand what your saying but have searched the web (and found this website) in order to validate my own occasional (exactly the same) feelings.

I look at my daughter sometimes and think she is to beautiful to exist in this world - and it scares me.

I lost a son at 1 day old and maybe that is where my fear comes from - I just shake it off and think of something else - but it really is disturbing.

I think maybe thinking these things doesnt make us crazy but really good moms.