...like not to clip my hangnail at the dinner table (just because I asked if she had a nail clipper while we were sitting at dinner does not mean I meant to use it right then and there, same goes for asking if she had eye drops while we were at lunch one day)
...the first time she had one of these reminders my reply was, "I'm not a caveman!" Now, the caveman phrase has become kind of our thing. Many times when she gives unsolicited advice, especially when it's things that seem so obviously against the rules of etiquitte, parenting, etc. I reply with the caveman comment. We've now come to apply "what a caveman" to people that don't seem to know these seemingly obvious rules regarding manner, etiquitte, etc. So, here's 13 examples of things that either we have witnessed, or that my mom felt the need to tell me!
- You don't clip your nails, put in eye drops, do your makeup, brush your hair, etc. in a restaurant, or at any dinner table for that matter. (Mom, I was not planning on clipping my hangnail or putting in my eye drops right then and there at the table!)
- Don't use nasal spray in front of guests in your living room. (I've seen it done, but won't name names!)
- Do not blow your nose at the dinner table if you can help it; if it must be done, please keep the tissue in your pocket or under the table, not on the table. (As an allergy sufferer, I can agree that sometimes it cannot be helped, but the tissue must be stashed out of view.)
- Do not, under any circumstances do that gobby coughing thing that I've seen many older men doing in public. PUHLEEZ, I do not need to hear your phlegm dancing around between your chest, throat, mouth, etc. And by no means should you spit either, especially the gobby nasty spitting thing. EWWW!!!
- Big news flash for anyone not aware...you are NOT invisible when you are in your vehicle! Please realize that you can be seen doing any and all of the following: picking your nose (and eating it if that's your idea of a gourmet snack but it's not mine), arguing with or making out with your spouse, yelling top of your lungs at your children (or hitting them)...need I go on? PLEASE STOP IT, I prefer not to barf in my lap on my way to work!
- The rest of the world does not care to hear your cellphone call in the middle of dinner, shopping, the doctor's office waiting room, the checkout line, the bathroom...(yes, I have heard cellphone calls in all of these places, heard enough personal things, and I've been given a dirty look or two like I'm wrong to be eavesdropping...hello, if you're speaking in your normal talking voice, we're gonna hear you!)
- Thank You...is that so hard? If you get a gift from someone for your wedding, baby, etc...send a little Thank You note, my mom always taught us to thank everyone for every gift, it's just what you do. If I let you butt in line or cut in front of me on the highway because a lane is ending and you were too stupid to move over when you saw the first 15 signs saying to move...give a quick courtesy wave, nod, smile...SOMETHING. These types of people that don't even acknowledge that sort of thing make me a bit less likely to be nice to the next guy.
- SMILE...why is it so hard to be friendly? If I pass someone, even someone I do not know, on the street or in a mall, etc. and make eye contact, I smile, maybe even say hi or hello. Why do many of those people look away, look down, stare back blankly or even give a dirty look. WTF...I don't get that! SMILE, you just might be on Candid Camera! hehe
- Don't be one of those oblivious lane blockers that stands in the middle of a shopping aisle chatting, blocking everyone else's path, then act like everyone else trying to get around you is intruding on your personal little chat session! Similarly, don't be a "waiter"...will it really kill you to keep driving around looking for a parking spot, or to just take one that's a little further from the store rather than sitting there blocking the lane of traffic to get that spot...it's even worse if the people haven't even gotten into their car yet or if you're waiting for me and my mom when we're shopping and have a stroller, Emma, bags, purses, drinks, etc. You're gonna be waiting awhile and you're the one the rest of traffic will be pissed at, not us!
- If you work in retail or other customer service orientated work, please realize that you are there to help customers, you are dealing with the public...please read #8 and please put a little freakin' effort into it. If I ask you where something is located or if you carry something, don't give me a blank stare and say you're not sure. FIND OUT, ask someone who knows, point me in the right direction to someone who knows...something, throw me a freakin' bone. A great example of this was a guy that works at a local retail place here; mom called to see if they carry a certain nail polish and he was SO excellent! He looked himself for the nail polish and he was a guy, when he could not find it he then looked for a manager and then asked a sales rep when manager wasn't available and then went back to make sure one final time himself. That is how it should be! On the downside, my mom has an MRI scheduled for the weekend and when she asked the girl who was scheduling this whether she needed a ride, if she could wear contact lenses during the procedure, and even if they have an open MRI at their facility the girl said she was new and didn't know. PUHLEEZ...makes someone really comfortable about going there for testing, even if you are new, these are things they should tell you if you're going to be calling people to arrange these things.
- Wait your freakin' turn! If you just sauntered up to the deli, service desk, bakery, etc. just in time for the clerk to ask who's next, be honest! Don't step up as the next person when you FULLY know I'm standing right next to you and was waiting there long before you strolled along! We all have busy lives and you're no busier and more rushed than the rest of us.
- If you own a dog, keep his prized poo poo in your own yard! Get a leash just long enough that he's got the area of your yard to work with, I don't want to be watering my plants barefoot in the privacy of my yard only to step in a fresh pile of your dog's latest deposit...worse yet, I don't want my daughter to step in that crap while she's out playing.
- If you are a skinny bitch and have no idea how hard it is to struggle with you're weight, don’t you dare try to offer advice about it, comment on it, or think your some authority on weight issues and don’t dare start yourself a club or create such an absurd challenge such as this.